Thursday, January 31, 2008

eBay Inc. CEO Meg Whitman: "Go Ahead, Boycott eBay, I Dare You"

Dear Diary,
It seems that our predictions as to the effect of the recently announced policy and fee amendments were right on target. There has been a lot of whining and bauling from sellers, just as expected. My poor little drones are in a tizzy. The media reaction has been right in line with our projections as well. Ina Steiner at is being a real doll, posting passive-aggressive blog articles as expected and allowing the angry drones to vent. According to our numbers, we are on track to have in excess of 90% of the dissenters back in the fold by the time the new policies take effect on the 20th. Originally we had projected that 65% would basically have shut up by then and that would lose roughly 1,000 sellers with more than 750,000 products (mostly in SIF) during the three week period leading up to the changes, with another 1,000 sellers with approx. 300,000 listings leaving in the three months after the policy change. But, I'm giddy as a second year graduate level co-ed writing her thesis, because those numbers seem to have been way high. Two days after the announcement we are now projecting a net gain in sellers by around 2,000, who will add an addition 9,000,000 products over the next twelve months.

Yes, my dear Diary, there have been talks of boycotts. Those pathetic drones of mine are whining up a storm in every forum that they can. Their angry posts often make little sense and amount to nothing more than the ramblings of a jilted lover drunkenly screeching his troubles to a room full of jaded past-their-prime blue collar nobodies in a honky-tonk bar on the outskirts of Redneckville, USA. So, to my drones I say "Go ahead, boycott eBay, I dare you! I fucking double-dog dare you."

I have my drones in check, right where they have always been. Those dumclucks don't have intellectual capacity to make it on the outside. They are simply not smart enough to be successful in any other venue than Those that do leave will come crawling back very quickly, with their tails between their legs and with a new respect for the service provided by eBay Inc.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

eBay Inc. CEO Meg Whitman on eBay's New Policies

Dear Diary,
Well, so far, so good. My plan is working and the news media has jumped all over the big fee "decrease" that we just announced at eBay Inc. today. People are so easy to manipulate. If anyone actually took the time to read the new fee structure, they would see that it is actually a huge fee INCREASE. Ha ha! Hell, the only sellers who will save money under this new structure are the ones that have items that don't sell. This is what it's all about!

Man I'm psyched! I feel like a rookie CEO again. Putting the screws to the sellers and diverting the media's attention away from the real problems with a dog and pony show that is nothing more than smoke and mirrors - albeit the plumes of smoke do look like dogs and ponies.

One issue that I do need to address today though...Ina Steiner. I've had my fill of her, but her following is too large to simply give her a nap with the fishies - besides, someone at eBay would be the obvious first choice as a suspect. Today she had the nerve of actually publishing an example of how the new fee decrease is actually an increase. And if that wasn't bad enough, her blog article about eBay's new feedback policy is getting rapid fire comments from angry eBay sellers.

Now Diary, here's why I'm psyched (as if you didn't know me well enough to already know)... This is all just part of the plan. I was fully aware that some sellers would realize that this is a whole lot of PR spin and would see that the decrease in fees is actually going to cost them more money. I knew that - that was the plan. For every one seller who is smart enough to see that this will decrease their profits, there are another 19 sellers who will flood the site with listings - thinking "woopee, look at me, I'm so smart, look how much money I'm saving, I'ma gonna buy me a new used car and some baby formula with all the money I'm gonna make sellin' used stuff on ebay."

Then, during the summer when the only things keeping eBay's growth moving forward are Paypal, Stubhub, and ad revenue...we'll announce a major fee increase, citing that the fee "decrease" didn't work well enough. Of course by that point we will have bought back $2 billion worth of eBay stock (probably at under $20 per share by then), Wall Street will be glad to see that we're getting back to the basics of gouging our sellers (ie. making assured huge profits and growth) and the stock will soar. In the end I'll be even richer and I'll leave eBay Inc. on a high note - my legacy will be cemented in history - I will leave as the most successful woman CEO....ever.

OK, now to deal with Ina....

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I am Meg Whitman, I am Still CEO of eBay Inc.

Dear Diary,
Well, this is it diary. My tenure is coming to an end. It's liberating to know that I'm entering a new phase of life, and that I will leave destruction in my wake. It's getting down to the wire with the SEC investigation and the growing number of lawsuits. I'm sure I'm going to be called to testify at some point, but by that time I'll be sitting pretty in my new position and I can always claim ignorance. Shit, I'm a woman. A jury will never put a woman CEO in prison.

The board is having me wrap things up this week. It's going to be a bit chaotic with the fee decrease and earnings report, but the timing of the spin is just as crucial as the spin itself. I've been told to put on an upbeat and strong face during the transition. The board is concerned about Wall Street and how the investors will view my departure. Like so much of society, the board is made up of dimwitted fools.

The board shouldn't worry about Wall Street, it's the sellers they need to worry about.

Oh yes, it is the drones that would worry me. Sure they hate me, it's popular and easy to hate the Queen, but they loathe Donahue even more. And those who don't know that he is a male clone of myself...oh, they will learn. There is nothing so demoralizing to a people as having a new leader replace the old, only to learn that the new leader has the same goals, motives and direction. At first, my mindless drones will rejoice....just watch. Then little by little they will become aware.

God I'm glad I'm able to cash in all my stock before leaving.

Friday, January 18, 2008

I Feel So Dirty

Dear Diary,
It's getting late and I can't sleep. Griffith is still downstairs. He should be up shortly (very shortly) as I just heard the faint introduction of the Girls Gone Wild commercial come on the TV downstairs.

So anyway, I just need to talk to my old friend, my Diary. I feel so dirty. I feel like I'm a piece of trash. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I just do. I feel like a middle class eBay seller...and it makes me feel like I'm on the verge of vomiting.

I've seen my shares drop over $6 each over the past three weeks. I've seen the value of my home cut in half. I've seen the value of my dude ranch crushed. And now there aren't just fears of a recession, it is really here. I had hoped that Mitt would be able to reverse any economic downtown once he was inaugurated, but hey, let's face it....Mitt has about as much chance of being the President as I've got winning the Miss America Pageant. Please don't tell him that I said isn't that I care so much what he thinks, it's more about the millions of dollars I've wasted on him. What a mistake that was.

Oh! How I just want to drown my sorrow in a bottle of vodka, or at least a mixed drink in a plastic cup with some Camels on the know, like my little peon eBay sellers do.

Speaking of those fucking week I'll unleash the new fee structure on those turds. It's quite sad and pathetic that I've given them all the tools they need to climb out of their pits of economic despair, but they continue to wallow in their own filth and whine about fraud and technical glitches on the site. The news of the new fee structure and our "reinvigorated efforts at spurring growth" should blind the shitheads on Wall Street a bit and push the stock price back up...long enough for me to unload a few more million dollars worth of options anyway.

If not, I don't know what I'll do. I feel so sad. I'm half the woman I was a year ago. These damn hot flashes are getting far more than annoying and I've lost virtual millions in just the past week. And to make matters worse, that bitch Ina Steiner at is unrelenting. Now the idiot eBay sellers are asking her to set up a log of all the eBay glitches so that eBayers can see current issues with my code. That asshole at tried that for awhile and lost interest - I heard he got tired of the constant emails and updating his glitch page. So anyway, if Ina thinks she's going to get a handshake and a smile from me at this year's Live, she can just suck it. My lawyers are in the process of bringing suit against her for copyright infringement. They'd better hurry up and get their shit together, because I'm tired of her publishing the truth about eBay Inc.

Ooop, I gotta go. I just heard Griffith turn off the Girls Gone Wild commercial. I gotta get to bed and pretend that everything is going to be alright and try to get some sleep. It's the weekend and I'm going to try to enjoy it.....I've only got a few more days until I have to put on my happy-face and do our earnings call. Oh the horror.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Whiny eBay Inc. Employees Bitching About Their Stock Options Again

Dear Diary,
It's early in the day here at eBay HQ, and each time I pass a group of employees here in the home office, I keep hearing murmurs about how much money they've lost today. Don't these imbeciles know that they don't actually lose any money until they sell their options? I just want to tell them to stop bitching, that I've lost more than the bunch of them combined.

I don't want to go on a rant to you about this right now. I know it's mostly my hormones. I've been having hot flashes more frequently, and it's contributing to my bitter mood, so I'll try not to be too abrasive. After all, Diary, you might be my one true friend.

To make matters worse, I was feeling ill last night and went to bed early. I woke up around 11:45 and noticed Griffith was not in bed. I went downstairs and the den was dark, but I could see the glow of the TV as I approached. When I turned the corner I found my husband, uh, pleasuring himself while watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial.

Sigh - I guess I shouldn't let it bother me, but he said it was because I haven't been around much lately, what with Mitt's campaign and all. I know that masturbation is natural and OK, but I couldn't help but thinking that those young co-eds look a lot like the girls at Hooters.

P.S. That shithead Griff just popped his head in and asked if I had seen that had more hits in December than eBay. I think I'm going to cry. God I hope everybody votes for Mitt so I can cash in all my options and get the hell out of San Jose.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Scott Wingo, Ina Steiner, Griff & Cappnonymous Must Die?

Dear Diary,
Yesterday morning that pimple of a troll, Griff, came into my office just as I got to work (how he can get his pasty fat body out of bed so early is beyond me). Griff was all atwitter about some some "rumors" that had spread virtually overnight about eBay being acquired by Yahoo! and about how Scott Wingo had let the cat out of the bag....but reassured me that it wasn't him that spilled the beans (his words, not mine). Griff also, with the giddiness of the third grade class tattletale, pushed in front of me while I was trying to enjoy my $11.00 coffee, and logged onto YouTube to show me the latest Cappnonymous video. After he pushed play, he stepped back and proceeded to provide commentary throughout the entire poorly produced video.

"oooh, oooh, loooky Meg," he spouted, spewing spittle all over my 25 inch monitor, "ooooh, look, he took your quotes out of context."

"Oh, and now he's likening you to a pig......your teeth don't look like that.....ooh, and here, here he's trying to imply that you are Hitler," Griff continued this through the whole video.

To add to my annoyance - I could see no other reason for it, Griff knows that I hate it when he acts like a nancy-boy with a beard, tattling on his peers or anyone for that matter - Griff showed me several instances on where it appears that bitch Ina Steiner thinks she's getting a bit big for her britches. Our staff had an agreement with Ina, and it was simple - put a positive spin on all things eBay and we'll give you access to our spokespeople and first dibs on eBay news. Now I see she's begun printing blog editorials questioning managerial moves, and I see the hoards of "ex-bayers" are all swarming, leaving their own horror stories in the comments sections. Ina was supposed to keep this under control!!!

And Diary, you don't even want me to get started on that little puke Scott Wingo. Who the fuck does he think he is anyway? Just because he has some lame internet company doesn't give him the right to reveal eBay Inc. company secrets! After all I've done for him and the access I've given, I'm not the least bit happy about this little stunt of reporting our deal with Yahoo! It is now bound to fall through. Once investors hear about it, Yahoo! stock will take a beating and investor sentiment will turn sour.

So what to do? I've got four problems to deal with today...Cappnonymous the renegade and highly prolific video blogger, Scott Wingo the conniving scum leak bastard, Ina Steiner the new anti-eBay blogger who built her business on eBay's back, and Griff the six year old stuck in the body of a fat middle aged virgin. I will start by contacting YouTube and having them pull some more of Mr. Cappnonymous' videos down for unknown reasons. Then I'll make a phone call to Mr. Wingo, and have a little discussion about his leaky mouth. Then a call to Mrs. Steiner who will surely change her tune once she is threatened with a lawsuit for copyright infringement for pasting screenshots of all over her site. Then I'll pull Griff aside by his earlobe and suggest he take his eBay-sabbatical....and never return.

Then all that is left is to deny the Yahoo! takeover until the deal is complete. Viola!

Monday, January 7, 2008

Thank God

Dear Diary,
I had to take a break this morning and thank God that I sold those options when I did. When I walked past Bill's office, I saw him kneeling in the corner with his hands clasped in prayer - thanking God too.

Now the praying starts. I just don't know what's going to happen when those Q1 numbers are released. Investors aren't going to be happy. And GS tells me they are getting near the end of their rope with me. They said if I don't shape this company up soon, they won't be able to help me anymore.

I think I'll take a sabbatical.