Tuesday, January 29, 2008

eBay Inc. CEO Meg Whitman on eBay's New Policies

Dear Diary,
Well, so far, so good. My plan is working and the news media has jumped all over the big fee "decrease" that we just announced at eBay Inc. today. People are so easy to manipulate. If anyone actually took the time to read the new fee structure, they would see that it is actually a huge fee INCREASE. Ha ha! Hell, the only sellers who will save money under this new structure are the ones that have items that don't sell. This is what it's all about!

Man I'm psyched! I feel like a rookie CEO again. Putting the screws to the sellers and diverting the media's attention away from the real problems with a dog and pony show that is nothing more than smoke and mirrors - albeit the plumes of smoke do look like dogs and ponies.

One issue that I do need to address today though...Ina Steiner. I've had my fill of her, but her following is too large to simply give her a nap with the fishies - besides, someone at eBay would be the obvious first choice as a suspect. Today she had the nerve of actually publishing an example of how the new fee decrease is actually an increase. And if that wasn't bad enough, her blog article about eBay's new feedback policy is getting rapid fire comments from angry eBay sellers.

Now Diary, here's why I'm psyched (as if you didn't know me well enough to already know)... This is all just part of the plan. I was fully aware that some sellers would realize that this is a whole lot of PR spin and would see that the decrease in fees is actually going to cost them more money. I knew that - that was the plan. For every one seller who is smart enough to see that this will decrease their profits, there are another 19 sellers who will flood the site with listings - thinking "woopee, look at me, I'm so smart, look how much money I'm saving, I'ma gonna buy me a new used car and some baby formula with all the money I'm gonna make sellin' used stuff on ebay."

Then, during the summer when the only things keeping eBay's growth moving forward are Paypal, Stubhub, and ad revenue...we'll announce a major fee increase, citing that the fee "decrease" didn't work well enough. Of course by that point we will have bought back $2 billion worth of eBay stock (probably at under $20 per share by then), Wall Street will be glad to see that we're getting back to the basics of gouging our sellers (ie. making assured huge profits and growth) and the stock will soar. In the end I'll be even richer and I'll leave eBay Inc. on a high note - my legacy will be cemented in history - I will leave as the most successful woman CEO....ever.

OK, now to deal with Ina....

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