Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Look at These Fucking Idiots!

Complete and utter imbeciles. Morons. Idiocracy personified. My fucking drones have done it again, right on cue. We at eBay Inc. offer a listing fee sale/promotion, and despite their outrage over the new fees and the planned "boycott," the retards go on a listing tear! showed a gain of almost 2 million listings today. Score: eBay 10 - drones ZERO.

Diary, I'm embroiled in the midst of a paradox so bittersweet that I'm beginning to cream my pants-suit. My drones helped make me a billionaire, but they are so very fucking stupid. I realize that exploiting their weaknesses is good for my bottom line, but I also know that I should feel sorry for these poor sons-of-bitches! I feel like sending all the sellers a pack of Depends and a case of Snickers and Mountain Dew and saying, "Here, thanks for your service to eBay, enjoy, eat, drink and excrete for the next week while you sit in front of your computer listing more items on eBay."

Conversion rates on the US site have been dipping down below 30% and are now averaging below 40%. Even so, these brainless fools just jumped at the whiff of an insertion fee sale and boosted listings by 2,000,000! Why the don't understand that their conversion rates will drop even further during such a sale is beyond me. They could have waited a week, a goddamn week, and paid even less in listing fees, but they chose to jump at the listing promo and throw listings on the site.

They are so blind and so naive. What good is a "boycott" if they boost listings to about the same point as last year, just five days from the scheduled beginning of the boycott? Prior to this act of stupidity, eBay listings y/y were down significantly. Those 2 million listings effectively killed any shot at a boycott making any waves whatsoever. Over the next four days, even more sellers will flood eBay with listings in order to "stock up" before the "boycott" begins, pushing eBay listing volume even higher.

I win again!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Only eBay Blog is on Notice!

Dear Diary,
It's been one of those days. I've been having mood swings lately, and today is no exception. This morning I was surfing the web, reading up on the latest eBay chatter out there in the blogosphere and I stopped by the Only eBay blog. I thought I'd leave a message, thanking the author for all his service pumping eBay and spreading the eBay gospel to the world, so I did - a minute gesture of thanks for all the help and support. I went back to the blog later, for a reason I will come to in a moment, and my comment was gone. At first I was a bit saddened, then that grew into anger, and now I am furious!

Nobody censors me! I AM THE CENSOR!

So Diary, I'm putting the Only eBay blog and its author on notice! He'd better watch his step, eBay Inc. is a fickle shrew and can turn on even the most loyal of defenders in a split second (just ask Ina Steiner!). Spurn me again Only eBay and you will feel the consequences. I'll drain your affiliate account so fast your geeky little head will spin. I don't care if you have half a million invested in eBay, this is my turf and you abide by my rules!

Sunday, February 10, 2008 that all you got muthafuckas?

Dear Diary,
I am sincerely embarrassed for my silly naive little drones. I've caused them so much grief, I've built up their world and allowed their tantrums to continue, but soon they will be devestated as I pull the rug from beneath their feet. The big bad scary seller "strike" or "boycott" draws ever nearer. My drones think they've got eBay in a corner, but once again I have the upper hand. They've played themselves into my corner and I'm about to strike at them with the ferocioty of a coked up werewolf in the rut!

Those sorry eBay sellers, those pathetic fucks, they don't know what is about to hit them.

Diary, I know I've made some - let's call them - miscalculations over the past few years, but eBay Inc.'s latest changes will cement my legacy for eternity as the greatest female CEO in the universe of all time.

This past week, conversion rates on fell to around 20%, a 50% decrease over the average. Mainstream news outlets have picked up on the plight of my drones in articles on their websites (like Listing volume has decreased a bit m/m and w/w, and is way down y/y. Blogs are calling for cyber-terrorism against eBay Inc. during the week of the 18th. eBay related online forums are abuzz with rantings and ravings of unhappy sellers. YouTube has dozens of boycott videos, and many others with various rants about eBay and the evils of Paypal. Financial analysts have lowered their targets and many have issued "sell" ratings on eBay Inc. stock.

Diary, I am here to say that I am in control and in command, and that eBay will dessimate our enemies and render the naysayers mute.

On February 18th a boycott will commence. Those sellers participating in the boycott will be those sellers who do not rely on eBay 100% for their income, or rely on eBay to maintain their comfort level in life. They are the disposable sellers. Those dumbasses at PESA, who we have in our back pocket, have not endorsed the strike, and nearly all of the PESA members will continue with business as usual. As will the housewives who need extra money for diapers and baby formula, and the single mothers selling already-second-hand-items to pay for heat. The current recession will assure that even fewer sellers participate in the boycott. And we expect those sellers who are not participating in the boycott to more than fill the void left by the absent listings of those who chose to leave.

It's all an exercise in social engineering.

When the dust settles, we will have a loyal customer base of sellers and a new system in place to assure that new sellers will be in line with the eBay principles, or they will quickly find themselves NARU'd. The new feedback policy will give the appearance that eBay is a friendly place to trade. The 21 day holds on some Paypal payments will result in tens of millions of dollars of interest for that will not have to be passed on to the sellers, since Paypal is not subject to normal accounting and banking laws in the US. Our research tells us that the loyal sellers that remain during the strike will actually increase eBay revenue by increasing their listing volume - given the lowered insertion fees, free gallery photos and initial decreased competition. (Our research also shows that those idiots don't seem to realize that eBay sell-through rates are only 20-40%).

And then there's the carrot. Sellers will have to maintain a 4.6 rating or above in all DSR categories to receive Powerseller status and the accompanying 15% FVF discount. For most of my drones, this will prove impossible. Tilting at windmills comes to mind.....more like tilting at skyscrapers! In order to obtain those DSR numbers and for their items to appear at the top of our new Best Match search, sellers will have to invest so much time and energy into customer service that a heavy burden will be lifted off of eBay's shoulders, and the customer service they provide will have to be at a level so high that buying on eBay will become a more favorable option for shoppers.

Basically the chaff is sorted out, and what remains will be a legion of high quality sellers that will in effect do the jobs that eBay Inc. should be doing (in addition to listing, selling and shipping products). A perfect, perfect plan.