The Secret Diary of Meg Whitman

Look at These Fucking Idiots!

2008-02-13T20:11:00.001-08:00

Complete and utter imbeciles. Morons. Idiocracy personified. My fucking drones have done it again, right on cue. We at eBay Inc. offer a listing fee sale/promotion, and despite their outrage over the new fees and the planned "boycott," the retards go on a listing tear! eBay.com showed a gain of almost 2 million listings today. Score: eBay 10 - drones ZERO.

Diary, I'm embroiled in the midst of a paradox so bittersweet that I'm beginning to cream my pants-suit. My drones helped make me a billionaire, but they are so very fucking stupid. I realize that exploiting their weaknesses is good for my bottom line, but I also know that I should feel sorry for these poor sons-of-bitches! I feel like sending all the sellers a pack of Depends and a case of Snickers and Mountain Dew and saying, "Here, thanks for your service to eBay, enjoy, eat, drink and excrete for the next week while you sit in front of your computer listing more items on eBay."

Conversion rates on the US site have been dipping down below 30% and are now averaging below 40%. Even so, these brainless fools just jumped at the whiff of an insertion fee sale and boosted listings by 2,000,000! Why the don't understand that their conversion rates will drop even further during such a sale is beyond me. They could have waited a week, a goddamn week, and paid even less in listing fees, but they chose to jump at the listing promo and throw listings on the site.

They are so blind and so naive. What good is a "boycott" if they boost listings to about the same point as last year, just five days from the scheduled beginning of the boycott? Prior to this act of stupidity, eBay listings y/y were down significantly. Those 2 million listings effectively killed any shot at a boycott making any waves whatsoever. Over the next four days, even more sellers will flood eBay with listings in order to "stock up" before the "boycott" begins, pushing eBay listing volume even higher.

I win again!

Only eBay Blog is on Notice!

2008-02-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
It's been one of those days. I've been having mood swings lately, and today is no exception. This morning I was surfing the web, reading up on the latest eBay chatter out there in the blogosphere and I stopped by the Only eBay blog. I thought I'd leave a message, thanking the author for all his service pumping eBay and spreading the eBay gospel to the world, so I did - a minute gesture of thanks for all the help and support. I went back to the blog later, for a reason I will come to in a moment, and my comment was gone. At first I was a bit saddened, then that grew into anger, and now I am furious!

Nobody censors me! I AM THE CENSOR!

So Diary, I'm putting the Only eBay blog and its author on notice! He'd better watch his step, eBay Inc. is a fickle shrew and can turn on even the most loyal of defenders in a split second (just ask Ina Steiner!). Spurn me again Only eBay and you will feel the consequences. I'll drain your affiliate account so fast your geeky little head will spin. I don't care if you have half a million invested in eBay, this is my turf and you abide by my rules!

CNN.com...is that all you got muthafuckas?

2008-02-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
I am sincerely embarrassed for my silly naive little drones. I've caused them so much grief, I've built up their world and allowed their tantrums to continue, but soon they will be devestated as I pull the rug from beneath their feet. The big bad scary seller "strike" or "boycott" draws ever nearer. My drones think they've got eBay in a corner, but once again I have the upper hand. They've played themselves into my corner and I'm about to strike at them with the ferocioty of a coked up werewolf in the rut!

Those sorry eBay sellers, those pathetic fucks, they don't know what is about to hit them.

Diary, I know I've made some - let's call them - miscalculations over the past few years, but eBay Inc.'s latest changes will cement my legacy for eternity as the greatest female CEO in the universe of all time.

This past week, conversion rates on eBay.com fell to around 20%, a 50% decrease over the average. Mainstream news outlets have picked up on the plight of my drones in articles on their websites (like CNN.com). Listing volume has decreased a bit m/m and w/w, and is way down y/y. Blogs are calling for cyber-terrorism against eBay Inc. during the week of the 18th. eBay related online forums are abuzz with rantings and ravings of unhappy sellers. YouTube has dozens of boycott videos, and many others with various rants about eBay and the evils of Paypal. Financial analysts have lowered their targets and many have issued "sell" ratings on eBay Inc. stock.

Diary, I am here to say that I am in control and in command, and that eBay will dessimate our enemies and render the naysayers mute.

On February 18th a boycott will commence. Those sellers participating in the boycott will be those sellers who do not rely on eBay 100% for their income, or rely on eBay to maintain their comfort level in life. They are the disposable sellers. Those dumbasses at PESA, who we have in our back pocket, have not endorsed the strike, and nearly all of the PESA members will continue with business as usual. As will the housewives who need extra money for diapers and baby formula, and the single mothers selling already-second-hand-items to pay for heat. The current recession will assure that even fewer sellers participate in the boycott. And we expect those sellers who are not participating in the boycott to more than fill the void left by the absent listings of those who chose to leave.

It's all an exercise in social engineering.

When the dust settles, we will have a loyal customer base of sellers and a new system in place to assure that new sellers will be in line with the eBay principles, or they will quickly find themselves NARU'd. The new feedback policy will give the appearance that eBay is a friendly place to trade. The 21 day holds on some Paypal payments will result in tens of millions of dollars of interest for Paypal.com that will not have to be passed on to the sellers, since Paypal is not subject to normal accounting and banking laws in the US. Our research tells us that the loyal sellers that remain during the strike will actually increase eBay revenue by increasing their listing volume - given the lowered insertion fees, free gallery photos and initial decreased competition. (Our research also shows that those idiots don't seem to realize that eBay sell-through rates are only 20-40%).

And then there's the carrot. Sellers will have to maintain a 4.6 rating or above in all DSR categories to receive Powerseller status and the accompanying 15% FVF discount. For most of my drones, this will prove impossible. Tilting at windmills comes to mind.....more like tilting at skyscrapers! In order to obtain those DSR numbers and for their items to appear at the top of our new Best Match search, sellers will have to invest so much time and energy into customer service that a heavy burden will be lifted off of eBay's shoulders, and the customer service they provide will have to be at a level so high that buying on eBay will become a more favorable option for shoppers.

Basically the chaff is sorted out, and what remains will be a legion of high quality sellers that will in effect do the jobs that eBay Inc. should be doing (in addition to listing, selling and shipping products). A perfect, perfect plan.

eBay Inc. CEO Meg Whitman: "Go Ahead, Boycott eBay, I Dare You"

2008-01-31T06:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
It seems that our predictions as to the effect of the recently announced policy and fee amendments were right on target. There has been a lot of whining and bauling from sellers, just as expected. My poor little drones are in a tizzy. The media reaction has been right in line with our projections as well. Ina Steiner at Auctionbytes.com is being a real doll, posting passive-aggressive blog articles as expected and allowing the angry drones to vent. According to our numbers, we are on track to have in excess of 90% of the dissenters back in the fold by the time the new policies take effect on the 20th. Originally we had projected that 65% would basically have shut up by then and that eBay.com would lose roughly 1,000 sellers with more than 750,000 products (mostly in SIF) during the three week period leading up to the changes, with another 1,000 sellers with approx. 300,000 listings leaving in the three months after the policy change. But, I'm giddy as a second year graduate level co-ed writing her thesis, because those numbers seem to have been way high. Two days after the announcement we are now projecting a net gain in sellers by around 2,000, who will add an addition 9,000,000 products over the next twelve months.

Yes, my dear Diary, there have been talks of boycotts. Those pathetic drones of mine are whining up a storm in every forum that they can. Their angry posts often make little sense and amount to nothing more than the ramblings of a jilted lover drunkenly screeching his troubles to a room full of jaded past-their-prime blue collar nobodies in a honky-tonk bar on the outskirts of Redneckville, USA. So, to my drones I say "Go ahead, boycott eBay, I dare you! I fucking double-dog dare you."

I have my drones in check, right where they have always been. Those dumclucks don't have intellectual capacity to make it on the outside. They are simply not smart enough to be successful in any other venue than eBay.com. Those that do leave will come crawling back very quickly, with their tails between their legs and with a new respect for the service provided by eBay Inc.

eBay Inc. CEO Meg Whitman on eBay's New Policies

2008-01-29T07:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Well, so far, so good. My plan is working and the news media has jumped all over the big fee "decrease" that we just announced at eBay Inc. today. People are so easy to manipulate. If anyone actually took the time to read the new fee structure, they would see that it is actually a huge fee INCREASE. Ha ha! Hell, the only sellers who will save money under this new structure are the ones that have items that don't sell. This is what it's all about!

Man I'm psyched! I feel like a rookie CEO again. Putting the screws to the sellers and diverting the media's attention away from the real problems with a dog and pony show that is nothing more than smoke and mirrors - albeit the plumes of smoke do look like dogs and ponies.

One issue that I do need to address today though...Ina Steiner. I've had my fill of her, but her following is too large to simply give her a nap with the fishies - besides, someone at eBay would be the obvious first choice as a suspect. Today she had the nerve of actually publishing an example of how the new fee decrease is actually an increase. And if that wasn't bad enough, her blog article about eBay's new feedback policy is getting rapid fire comments from angry eBay sellers.

Now Diary, here's why I'm psyched (as if you didn't know me well enough to already know)... This is all just part of the plan. I was fully aware that some sellers would realize that this is a whole lot of PR spin and would see that the decrease in fees is actually going to cost them more money. I knew that - that was the plan. For every one seller who is smart enough to see that this will decrease their profits, there are another 19 sellers who will flood the site with listings - thinking "woopee, look at me, I'm so smart, look how much money I'm saving, I'ma gonna buy me a new used car and some baby formula with all the money I'm gonna make sellin' used stuff on ebay."

Then, during the summer when the only things keeping eBay's growth moving forward are Paypal, Stubhub, and ad revenue...we'll announce a major fee increase, citing that the fee "decrease" didn't work well enough. Of course by that point we will have bought back $2 billion worth of eBay stock (probably at under $20 per share by then), Wall Street will be glad to see that we're getting back to the basics of gouging our sellers (ie. making assured huge profits and growth) and the stock will soar. In the end I'll be even richer and I'll leave eBay Inc. on a high note - my legacy will be cemented in history - I will leave as the most successful woman CEO....ever.

OK, now to deal with Ina....

I am Meg Whitman, I am Still CEO of eBay Inc.

2008-01-22T03:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Well, this is it diary. My tenure is coming to an end. It's liberating to know that I'm entering a new phase of life, and that I will leave destruction in my wake. It's getting down to the wire with the SEC investigation and the growing number of lawsuits. I'm sure I'm going to be called to testify at some point, but by that time I'll be sitting pretty in my new position and I can always claim ignorance. Shit, I'm a woman. A jury will never put a woman CEO in prison.

The board is having me wrap things up this week. It's going to be a bit chaotic with the fee decrease and earnings report, but the timing of the spin is just as crucial as the spin itself. I've been told to put on an upbeat and strong face during the transition. The board is concerned about Wall Street and how the investors will view my departure. Like so much of society, the board is made up of dimwitted fools.

The board shouldn't worry about Wall Street, it's the sellers they need to worry about.

Oh yes, it is the drones that would worry me. Sure they hate me, it's popular and easy to hate the Queen, but they loathe Donahue even more. And those who don't know that he is a male clone of myself...oh, they will learn. There is nothing so demoralizing to a people as having a new leader replace the old, only to learn that the new leader has the same goals, motives and direction. At first, my mindless drones will rejoice....just watch. Then little by little they will become aware.

God I'm glad I'm able to cash in all my stock before leaving.

I Feel So Dirty

2008-01-18T22:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
It's getting late and I can't sleep. Griffith is still downstairs. He should be up shortly (very shortly) as I just heard the faint introduction of the Girls Gone Wild commercial come on the TV downstairs.

So anyway, I just need to talk to my old friend, my Diary. I feel so dirty. I feel like I'm a piece of trash. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I just do. I feel like a middle class eBay seller...and it makes me feel like I'm on the verge of vomiting.

I've seen my shares drop over $6 each over the past three weeks. I've seen the value of my home cut in half. I've seen the value of my dude ranch crushed. And now there aren't just fears of a recession, it is really here. I had hoped that Mitt would be able to reverse any economic downtown once he was inaugurated, but hey, let's face it....Mitt has about as much chance of being the President as I've got winning the Miss America Pageant. Please don't tell him that I said that...it isn't that I care so much what he thinks, it's more about the millions of dollars I've wasted on him. What a mistake that was.

Oh! How I just want to drown my sorrow in a bottle of vodka, or at least a mixed drink in a plastic cup with some Camels on the side....you know, like my little peon eBay sellers do.

Speaking of those fucking pukes...next week I'll unleash the new fee structure on those turds. It's quite sad and pathetic that I've given them all the tools they need to climb out of their pits of economic despair, but they continue to wallow in their own filth and whine about fraud and technical glitches on the site. The news of the new fee structure and our "reinvigorated efforts at spurring growth" should blind the shitheads on Wall Street a bit and push the stock price back up...long enough for me to unload a few more million dollars worth of options anyway.

If not, I don't know what I'll do. I feel so sad. I'm half the woman I was a year ago. These damn hot flashes are getting far more than annoying and I've lost virtual millions in just the past week. And to make matters worse, that bitch Ina Steiner at Auctionbytes.com is unrelenting. Now the idiot eBay sellers are asking her to set up a log of all the eBay glitches so that eBayers can see current issues with my code. That asshole at Firemeg.com tried that for awhile and lost interest - I heard he got tired of the constant emails and updating his glitch page. So anyway, if Ina thinks she's going to get a handshake and a smile from me at this year's Live, she can just suck it. My lawyers are in the process of bringing suit against her for copyright infringement. They'd better hurry up and get their shit together, because I'm tired of her publishing the truth about eBay Inc.

Ooop, I gotta go. I just heard Griffith turn off the Girls Gone Wild commercial. I gotta get to bed and pretend that everything is going to be alright and try to get some sleep. It's the weekend and I'm going to try to enjoy it.....I've only got a few more days until I have to put on my happy-face and do our earnings call. Oh the horror.

Whiny eBay Inc. Employees Bitching About Their Stock Options Again

2008-01-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
It's early in the day here at eBay HQ, and each time I pass a group of employees here in the home office, I keep hearing murmurs about how much money they've lost today. Don't these imbeciles know that they don't actually lose any money until they sell their options? I just want to tell them to stop bitching, that I've lost more than the bunch of them combined.

I don't want to go on a rant to you about this right now. I know it's mostly my hormones. I've been having hot flashes more frequently, and it's contributing to my bitter mood, so I'll try not to be too abrasive. After all, Diary, you might be my one true friend.

To make matters worse, I was feeling ill last night and went to bed early. I woke up around 11:45 and noticed Griffith was not in bed. I went downstairs and the den was dark, but I could see the glow of the TV as I approached. When I turned the corner I found my husband, uh, pleasuring himself while watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial.

Sigh - I guess I shouldn't let it bother me, but he said it was because I haven't been around much lately, what with Mitt's campaign and all. I know that masturbation is natural and OK, but I couldn't help but thinking that those young co-eds look a lot like the girls at Hooters.

P.S. That shithead Griff just popped his head in and asked if I had seen that Amazon.com had more hits in December than eBay. I think I'm going to cry. God I hope everybody votes for Mitt so I can cash in all my options and get the hell out of San Jose.

Scott Wingo, Ina Steiner, Griff & Cappnonymous Must Die?

2008-01-11T04:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Yesterday morning that pimple of a troll, Griff, came into my office just as I got to work (how he can get his pasty fat body out of bed so early is beyond me). Griff was all atwitter about some some "rumors" that had spread virtually overnight about eBay being acquired by Yahoo! and about how Scott Wingo had let the cat out of the bag....but reassured me that it wasn't him that spilled the beans (his words, not mine). Griff also, with the giddiness of the third grade class tattletale, pushed in front of me while I was trying to enjoy my $11.00 coffee, and logged onto YouTube to show me the latest Cappnonymous video. After he pushed play, he stepped back and proceeded to provide commentary throughout the entire poorly produced video.

"oooh, oooh, loooky Meg," he spouted, spewing spittle all over my 25 inch monitor, "ooooh, look, he took your quotes out of context."

"Oh, and now he's likening you to a pig......your teeth don't look like that.....ooh, and here, here he's trying to imply that you are Hitler," Griff continued this through the whole video.

To add to my annoyance - I could see no other reason for it, Griff knows that I hate it when he acts like a nancy-boy with a beard, tattling on his peers or anyone for that matter - Griff showed me several instances on Auctionbytes.com where it appears that bitch Ina Steiner thinks she's getting a bit big for her britches. Our staff had an agreement with Ina, and it was simple - put a positive spin on all things eBay and we'll give you access to our spokespeople and first dibs on eBay news. Now I see she's begun printing blog editorials questioning managerial moves, and I see the hoards of "ex-bayers" are all swarming, leaving their own horror stories in the comments sections. Ina was supposed to keep this under control!!!

And Diary, you don't even want me to get started on that little puke Scott Wingo. Who the fuck does he think he is anyway? Just because he has some lame internet company doesn't give him the right to reveal eBay Inc. company secrets! After all I've done for him and the access I've given, I'm not the least bit happy about this little stunt of reporting our deal with Yahoo! It is now bound to fall through. Once investors hear about it, Yahoo! stock will take a beating and investor sentiment will turn sour.

So what to do? I've got four problems to deal with today...Cappnonymous the renegade and highly prolific video blogger, Scott Wingo the conniving scum leak bastard, Ina Steiner the new anti-eBay blogger who built her business on eBay's back, and Griff the six year old stuck in the body of a fat middle aged virgin. I will start by contacting YouTube and having them pull some more of Mr. Cappnonymous' videos down for unknown reasons. Then I'll make a phone call to Mr. Wingo, and have a little discussion about his leaky mouth. Then a call to Mrs. Steiner who will surely change her tune once she is threatened with a lawsuit for copyright infringement for pasting screenshots of eBay.com all over her site. Then I'll pull Griff aside by his earlobe and suggest he take his eBay-sabbatical....and never return.

Then all that is left is to deny the Yahoo! takeover until the deal is complete. Viola!

Thank God

2008-01-07T09:59:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary,
I had to take a break this morning and thank God that I sold those options when I did. When I walked past Bill's office, I saw him kneeling in the corner with his hands clasped in prayer - thanking God too.

Now the praying starts. I just don't know what's going to happen when those Q1 numbers are released. Investors aren't going to be happy. And GS tells me they are getting near the end of their rope with me. They said if I don't shape this company up soon, they won't be able to help me anymore.

I think I'll take a sabbatical.

eBay Inc. What the Fuck, What the Fuck, What the Fuck!!!??!?!?!?!?

2007-11-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

I would simply sigh if I were an outsider looking in to the horror show that eBay has become.

I would shrug my shoulders, wondering where it all went wrong.

I would guess at the causation for the decline in value, and the reasons why the stock can't move.

I would read the news, the reports, the analysts ramblings (those clueless motherfuckers!!!! cunts and bastards, god damn them all to the fiery pits of fucking hell where they all belong!)...

...as I sip my coffee, and check the rest of the day's news.

I would wonder - as an outsider - why the share have declined almost ten points in a matter of weeks.

I would wonder - as an SEC investigator - "Is this the next Enron?"

I would pay my bill like a good little drone.

I would list more items like a good little drone.

I would sell less items......like a good little drone - with lower ASP's....

....like a good fucking fucker little drone (mother fucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

I would see the turmoil the sub-prime lending market has caused!

I would sure-as-fuck notice the fucking increase in the fucking gas prices!!!

I would see the increase, and see the god damn bills on my desk --------

-----and I WOULD LIST MORE FUCKING ITEMS ON EBAY!!!!!!!!!

I would sell my belongings

I would sell my kidneys

I would sell my children

I would sell my god-forsaken-self-hating-mutilated-by-inbreeding-and-self-deprecation soul

I would sell my fake Tiffany lamp

I would run a fishing scam

(Vladuz, if you're out there, I want you, I want you more than I can express in my moment of clarity and openness, I want you inside of me, I want you to take me, release me and break me, hurt me and scar me - you know my email, use it, I need it)

I would sell my everything

I would sell it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sell it all fucking all!!!!

I would click refresh...........praying for a bid.

I would click refresh again...........where are the fucking bids?

STOP

What the hell is happening?

I can't be this naive

this insecure

this sore

this hopeless

this lonesome

this pathetic

this
this
this

ENOUGH

I'm not a fucking drone

I'm not a fucking worker bee

I AM THE QUEEN!!!!

Must regroup!

Must reconnect!!

Repeat to self "I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

....

....sigh

....

....ahhhh, now I feel better

That's right cock-sucking-motherfuckers!!!

Screw you ALL!

Dividends?

Aha, ha ha, LOL, Kekekekeke!

Checkmate sellers

Checkmate buyers

Checkmate stock holders

Checkmate mother fuckers!

I'm filthy rich.

So what? I filed to sell more shares at the end of December?

So what? I filed to sell more share at the beginning of January?

So fucking what?

So what if the stock tanks to $12 per share?

Who cares?

not me i already have $250,000,000 in the bank thanks to the clueless empty headed drones that list items on MY site and thanks to the greedy bastards on wall street that pump and dump MY stock on a daily basis those lousy wastes of organic material those fucking day traders those parasites

I'm wasted

I don't care anymore

I don't give a SHIT

a flying SHIT

DO YOU HEAR ME????

I d o n ' t c a r e

Diary,
I'm truly sorry you had to view this outburst, I really am. I apologize and hope you won't hold it against me (and I hope you won't tell Mitt about my foul language). I've got a bottle of vodka tucked back in the back of the cabinet and a pack of cigarettes I confiscated from the kid a few years back...I'm going to drink a little, smoke a little and remember....

whatever happens, who give a flying fuck? I've already made my millions. I'm set for life.

Fuck the rest of you!

Fuck you

In Search of the 4-Hour Workweek at eBay Inc.

2007-11-12T03:18:00.000-08:00

This weekend I took some "me" time and read Timothy Ferriss's bestseller, "The 4-Hour Workweek." Truthfully, I wasn't looking for answers or direction, but the buzz about the book was what made me buy it. To think that the CEO of eBay Inc. could actually pull off a four hour week is ludicrous - I have more than four hours a week alone wrapped up in reading and answering whiny emails from Bill Cobb. For some reason he doesn't share the executive vision, or maybe his vision is clouded by the residual former company goal of having the World's Largest Online Marketplace. I keep telling him we're in the telecom / finance / social networking business now....but I digress.

To my surprise, "The 4-Hour Workweek" actually did give me some inspiration, inspiration that I haven't felt (or frankly needed to feel, since becoming CEO of eBay Inc.) for a long time. As I read it ideas blossomed in my head like fireworks on an overcast midnight - I'll be implementing many of these idea during this quarter. That's right, the ideas are so profound and revolutionary that they will immediately impact the metrics of my entire corporation.

1. Cut all staff down to three days per week (21 hours of paid time):
The eBay mega-infrastructure is already in place. Why do we need to have 15,000 employees working full bore? Answer: we don't. We've recently updated the search functions and added lots of new do-dads and thingamabobs that should make the act of buying something online much more fun for many of the empty headed online consumers. We can go for awhile without innovation. Besides, realistically, none of our enhancements have ever mattered one shit. People use eBay to buy things and sell things. Even those with the emptiest heads view eBay as nothing more than an online flea market. Short of stabbing each brainless dolt in the head with a syringe and injecting gray matter to fill the void that their Creator so cruelly left, there is not much we can do.

2. Outsource Everything to a Computer:
Live Help is already contracted out. I'll be buying their contract out and replacing Live Help reps with a program a former engineer created called Robo-Help (but we'll keep the Live Help name, of course). Robo-Help is a computer program that generates canned responses in real time. The engineer who created it sold me on the idea when he had me try it out. He didn't tell me that I was chatting with a computer. I chatted with Robo-Help for twenty minutes, asking all sorts of questions about glitches that I'd noticed on eBay the last time I bought some slacks. I thought the engineer was plugging an exceptional employee's work habits, because the rep on the other end of Robo-Help seemed very personable and more knowledgeable than any of those worker bees in customer service. When he finally told me it was all automated, I was 100% sold. That douchebag Pierre had some objections and whined so much that I had to shelve the idea - until now. It's go time baby.

Same goes with customer service emails. In the next few weeks, all emails will be responded to via computer canned responses. eBay has over 2 million canned responses at its disposal for CS emails and Robo-Help use. And for my little drones who have made Silver Powerseller status or above, we'll still have the phone support available, but needless to say, their wait-times will be much longer. Those who haven't already given up on getting their rep on the phone will do so eventually. Waiting on hold a few times for three hours will make them see what a waste of time relying on help from others really is.

3. Unleash the Gestapo:
The Auction Guild recently had an article about using the power of the eBay Gestapo to squash fraud out of existence on the site. Their plan was for eBay to pay whistle-blowers and fraud spotters. TAG also noted that their idea was copyrighted and that they would entertain offers from me to use their idea. That's right, those morons actually want me to pay them for their idea. Shit guys, this is eBay. We don't pay for ideas, we just take them, and then if we are sued, we crush the rights holder in court under the immense weight of our godlike power. That said, TAG is welcome to sign up as a developer and actually pay us to use the idea. Don't laugh, there are thousands of developers who actually do pay eBay to give us ideas and enhancements. Damn, do we have a good business model or what?

Anyway, we'll use eBay's super-secret Auschwitz Program (Anti-User Scam Cooperative Hierarchy With ID Tagging Zoftware) to allow current eBay users to report individual auctions and users for deletion. Any auction reported by the Gestapo more than twice via the Report This Item link for any violation will automatically be deleted from eBay servers by the Auschwitz Program. Any user that has more than two auctions deleted for any policy abuse will be terminated by the Auschwitz Program - permanently. We've already gotten rid of the bottom 1% of sellers, Auschwitz Program will help us weed out even more criminal, fraudsters, scammers and phishers. Oh, and I will be taking the free advice I gathered by ready the TAG website and will be paying the Gestapo with FREE SELLER INSERTION FEES (when listing products in the lowest fee tranche, using gallery and no reserve - insertion fee will be refunded in two separate billing cycles starting with the billing cycle that falls two months after the item was listed).

4. More Sabbaticals:
I made a point out of making an example of that turd Rob Chestnut. I'll further establish my power by issuing more "sabbaticals" to other high ranking executives and managers. Sure, eBay will have to pay their salary for six months, but when they return, they will be demoted or let go. In the long run it will save millions. And in the end, I'll decrease my workload by not having to respond to dozens of pathetic emails each day from those managers who will be selectively chosen for some "personal time." I love my job.

I am Woman, Hear Me Roar!

2007-11-07T02:26:00.000-08:00

Dear diary, I'm king of the fucking world!!

That's right, KING! I don't feel like a queen, who is under the reign of any man, not after the week I've just had. I feel more than kingly, I feel godly.

Anytime I cash in $20 million dollars worth of stock options, it's going to be a good week. My son suggested that I get it all changed into ones and roll around in it like Eric Cartman did on South Park with Kyle's twenty dollar bill. I gave him a half-hearted but stern lecture on the value of money, but then I secretly took his advice with one million of it. Let me tell you, there's nothing like the feeling of rolling around in a pile of one million brand new one dollar bills! It's sort of like playing in the leaves as a child in the fall - except they aren't dirty or itchy. Oh, and I got to think about the thousands upon thousands of hours my drones had to work in order for me to accumulate that million dollars. Sweet.

And if selling $20,000,000 worth of eBay Inc. stock wasn't enough, I find out yesterday that our legal team won our lawsuit against www.perfumebay.com. Honestly, I can't believe it. We tried to pay the judge off, but he refused. Said something about his ethics, blah, blah, blah. The best part isn't that we won the suit, it's the fact that my company has unadulterated power to do anything we wish! Heck, we're still using stolen MercExchange Buy It Now technology code in all of our fixed price auctions! Stolen! Willfully, blatantly and knowingly ripped off code. And yet, we were able to get a judge to say that a company cannot put two words together in a URL if they contain the word eBay anywhere in the title. Ha ha! Watch out www.pheebay.com, you're next!

And how about my good little drones catching the QVC bandit? Wonderful! Sure we'll miss out on some listing fees from that scammer, but otherwise it's free PR. Those anonymous drones who helped catch the scammer are nobodies, and eBay gets all of the attention! And you know diary, the ironic part is that the QVC bandit used a loophole on the QVC site that allowed her to immediately cancel orders and still have the items shipped for free. Ironic because Paypal has the SAME exact glitch. Anyone who pays for a BIN item on eBay via Paypal with an echeck and then immediately cancels the Paypal payment stands a very good chance of getting the item for free because it still shows as paid on the seller's account. Note to self - check with the engineers to see if they've fixed this loophole in Paypal yet. We had YouTube pull the Cappnonymous video describing in detail how to take advantage of this Paypal loophole months ago, they'd better have it fixed or they will feel my wrath!

What a great week! The only negative aspect was that those little bitches on Wall Street let the price fall, costing me $4 million. But oh well, that ought to keep the SEC off my back for awhile longer. And besides, with our PR campaign and stock buyback, the stock price should be through the roof for my next round of option exercises at the end of December.

Kidnap Santa and Listen to the Drones Whine

2007-11-02T03:20:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. Since news of eBay Australia's holiday advertising promotion, named "Kidnap Santa," has leaked, I've been hearing all sorts of talk that the drones are grumbling. Apparently some of my drones think that eBay Inc. is being insensitive toward kidnap victims. Others seem to think that exploiting a fictional North Pole Gnome is in bad taste. I've even heard from Legal that there has been chatter about a lawsuit if the Kidnap Santa campaign happens to scar any small children psychologically - something about Juvenile Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But the most irritating of all grumbling is coming from long-time career sellers who feel that the campaign cheapens their products and makes eBay seem like a bargain basement.

God knows I'm growing weary of the constant whining being done by less-than-loyal drones. If I (or anyone else in management) at eBay makes a decision, implements a change or rolls out an enhancement - the whining begins. First they whine because eBay isn't advertising enough, so we increase our advertising budget and spread our marketing dollars wider and include more avenues. Then they complain because the commercials are stupid. Meanwhile, many have started stand-alone ecommerce sites or are experimenting with online malls like ecrater. Argh, ecrater - but that's a blog for another day. So anyway, I'm really thinking of instituting another round of fee hikes, not because of anything to do with revenue, but rather just to spite some of the sniveling masses of drones who think they are entitled to something just because they sell on eBay.com.

I'm thinking a nice big increase across the bottom three tranches ought to do the trick. We've already begun expelling the worst performing drones from the eBay community, and it's working like a charm. Of course, now that the bottom 1% of the poorest drones have been banished, there is still another group that has now filled that bottom 1%. If we could banish these drones as well, I'm told that a lot of the grumbling would leave with them. The problem that management and I now face is that another round of expulsions so quickly on the heels of the first, might result in even more grumbling. So, we haven't raised fees in awhile - heck, it's almost expected that we are going to sometime soon anyway, so I think I'll raise those bottom three tranches' fees quite significantly. I'll have Cobb smooth over the fee increase with talk of more frequent listing specials like we've already been feeding the brainless drones. That will turn their frowns into smiles on the fronts of their empty heads. Meanwhile, the drones at the very bottom, the ones that will be most affected by the fee increase will simply evacuate eBay, but not after a massive round or two of listing millions of items before the fee increase goes into effect.

Fee increase. Tens of millions of additional listings from those about to leave the site. The holiday shopping season. Maybe a listing promo or two thrown in. Ah, yes, I think I'm going to make out very well when I exercise my options at the year's end.

Speaking of discontent drones, I have told PR to ramp up the Anti-Entitlement Team's activities, especially on the eBay Community Forums and other online discussion boards. Why these drones think that eBay Inc. owes them anything is beyond me. It's a service that they are paying for, why should they expect a hand in decision making. Why should they even be allowed to complain or speak out against decisions made by management at all? Sometimes I wonder if Red China and the Soviet Union were on the right track with censorship and laws against speaking out publicly about the government. I can tell you one thing though, if the grumbling continues after the fee increase, the "censorship" that the drones are whining about now will be nothing compared to the wrath I will unleash on them all. I will squash them and their negative talk about eBay once and for all, and rid the site of anyone who dares to question my judgement....once and for all.

eBay Inc. Profiting From the California Wildfires

2007-10-31T03:29:00.000-07:00

The recent expanse of devastating wildfires to rip through Southern California will help boost EPS in Q4, which is already being predicted by analysts to be a huge quarter for eBay. I've already filed with the SEC to exercise two massive chunks of options in late December and early January, just before we release our Q4 numbers. The holiday shopping season is perennially the biggest quarter for eBay in terms of listing volume and ASP. We are optimistic that the wildfires will only enhance those numbers, and even expect the usually stagnant conversion rates to increase dramatically. The first victims should begin receiving insurance reimbursements by Black Thursday and some prior to that, but most will have some type of compensation by the second week of December.

I've been in almost constant contact with Bob Swan regarding the direction we need to take in the run up to the holidays and how best to monetize the tragedy of the wildfires. We both agree that the negligible rise in conversion rates during normal holiday shopping seasons will rise by between 8-14% based solely on the needs of the thousands of Californians looking to rebuild and restock their new homes with convenience and luxury items. We've decided to play it by ear as far as any potential insertion fee promotions go. If my little drones don't seem to be listing enough for my taste, I will throw them a bone in early December. We cannot afford not to have a marked increase y/y in listings in November and December, especially with the number of options I'm exercising at the end of the year.

When I began work at eBay in 1998 I shared my Divine Retribution Income Model with Pierre. At first he was a bit skeptical to say the least. I quickly was able to start him down the road of understanding. Little by little, he was able to see that devastating acts of God and horrific tragedies have an enormous synergistic effect with the business model that Pierre had created. Any doubts that Pierre might have had simply vanished with the success of our Auction for America. The A4A was born out of my DRIM theory as a means of not only compensating for any loss in revenue due to the attacks on 9/11, but more importantly increasing revenue based on the fear, renewed sense of patriotism and compassion, and the basic human desire to purchase and acquire as a defense mechanism.

What better way to feed the desires of the American populace with a more-than-shaky economic outlook than to convince the collectively shocked and scared that buying unneeded luxury items during their time of crisis could actually benefit the victims of the September 11th attacks? I challenge you to find a better business model. And the media did a good job promoting the A4A, they fell hook, line and sinker. With just a few mentions of the A4A on the cable news channels, buyers came pouring into the eBay site with their credit cards in their hands. The sellers were still selling (it's the perfect business model, the drones must sell to pay for their fees, and a stupid little incident like 9/11 won't affect the sellers, they've got bills to pay and mouths to feed), and the A4A made sure that the numbers of buyers maintained, and I was pleasantly surprised by how many new buyers signed up because of the A4A.

The A4A allowed eBay Inc. to capitalize on what everyone was calling the worst national tragedy ever. Prior to the attacks of 9/11, eBay had been having a stale year in terms of listing volume. The A4A was the beginning of a steady three year climb in listing numbers. The wildfires in CA are certainly tragic, but they may be too much of a regional event to spur long-term growth in listings and revenue. For the time being, I'll take what bump I can, until I'm graced with another nationwide event that will ultimately lead to another jump in sustainable growth.

Hello God, It's Me Again... Margaret, the CEO of eBay Inc.

2007-10-30T04:24:00.000-07:00

Hi God. It's me, Margaret. I know it's been awhile since we've talked, but after all, I'm the most powerful female CEO on the planet - what could I possibly need you for? I've got everything I could ever want, fancy denim shirts, a great family, a career that exceeds my merits, and hair to die for. Even with all of that, I've still got a problem that I was hoping you could help me with. No, it's not another request to make sure Mitt wins the Presidency, because I'm sure that is your will. No, my problem is much worse - I'm hearing things.

It's only a problem when I'm on the phone at work, but it is troubling nonetheless. You see, when I'm talking on the phone in my office or making a conference call, I hear this deep breathing in the receiver. It first happened a couple of months ago during a phone call with Griff. Griff was going on about how much he loves eBay and telling me how his beard was doing, and everytime he paused, in that moment of silence I would hear this deep breathing. Low and raspy, even sounding almost like a moan at times. At first I thought it was just Griff. Ever since that day in 2003 when he said he liked my khaki slacks, well, let's just say I think he has a thing for me.

So anyway, lately it's been getting worse. One day last week the breathing got so loud during a conversation with Rob Chestnut about his conduct that I had to ask Rob if he heard the breathing too. He said he didn't, but I heard muffled laughter. I'm worried that my job performance is suffering because of this specter in my phone receiver. I'm already getting flack about paying a couple billion dollars too much for that piece of shit company, Skype, I just don't need this to add to my anxiety level. Ever since I started hearing the breathing, it seems that a lot of our plans at eBay have backfired - especially those dealing with security.

I've never doubted myself, and I'm not going to start now. I was just wondering, is that you God, on my phone?