Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Look at These Fucking Idiots!

Complete and utter imbeciles. Morons. Idiocracy personified. My fucking drones have done it again, right on cue. We at eBay Inc. offer a listing fee sale/promotion, and despite their outrage over the new fees and the planned "boycott," the retards go on a listing tear! showed a gain of almost 2 million listings today. Score: eBay 10 - drones ZERO.

Diary, I'm embroiled in the midst of a paradox so bittersweet that I'm beginning to cream my pants-suit. My drones helped make me a billionaire, but they are so very fucking stupid. I realize that exploiting their weaknesses is good for my bottom line, but I also know that I should feel sorry for these poor sons-of-bitches! I feel like sending all the sellers a pack of Depends and a case of Snickers and Mountain Dew and saying, "Here, thanks for your service to eBay, enjoy, eat, drink and excrete for the next week while you sit in front of your computer listing more items on eBay."

Conversion rates on the US site have been dipping down below 30% and are now averaging below 40%. Even so, these brainless fools just jumped at the whiff of an insertion fee sale and boosted listings by 2,000,000! Why the don't understand that their conversion rates will drop even further during such a sale is beyond me. They could have waited a week, a goddamn week, and paid even less in listing fees, but they chose to jump at the listing promo and throw listings on the site.

They are so blind and so naive. What good is a "boycott" if they boost listings to about the same point as last year, just five days from the scheduled beginning of the boycott? Prior to this act of stupidity, eBay listings y/y were down significantly. Those 2 million listings effectively killed any shot at a boycott making any waves whatsoever. Over the next four days, even more sellers will flood eBay with listings in order to "stock up" before the "boycott" begins, pushing eBay listing volume even higher.

I win again!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Only eBay Blog is on Notice!

Dear Diary,
It's been one of those days. I've been having mood swings lately, and today is no exception. This morning I was surfing the web, reading up on the latest eBay chatter out there in the blogosphere and I stopped by the Only eBay blog. I thought I'd leave a message, thanking the author for all his service pumping eBay and spreading the eBay gospel to the world, so I did - a minute gesture of thanks for all the help and support. I went back to the blog later, for a reason I will come to in a moment, and my comment was gone. At first I was a bit saddened, then that grew into anger, and now I am furious!

Nobody censors me! I AM THE CENSOR!

So Diary, I'm putting the Only eBay blog and its author on notice! He'd better watch his step, eBay Inc. is a fickle shrew and can turn on even the most loyal of defenders in a split second (just ask Ina Steiner!). Spurn me again Only eBay and you will feel the consequences. I'll drain your affiliate account so fast your geeky little head will spin. I don't care if you have half a million invested in eBay, this is my turf and you abide by my rules!

Sunday, February 10, 2008 that all you got muthafuckas?

Dear Diary,
I am sincerely embarrassed for my silly naive little drones. I've caused them so much grief, I've built up their world and allowed their tantrums to continue, but soon they will be devestated as I pull the rug from beneath their feet. The big bad scary seller "strike" or "boycott" draws ever nearer. My drones think they've got eBay in a corner, but once again I have the upper hand. They've played themselves into my corner and I'm about to strike at them with the ferocioty of a coked up werewolf in the rut!

Those sorry eBay sellers, those pathetic fucks, they don't know what is about to hit them.

Diary, I know I've made some - let's call them - miscalculations over the past few years, but eBay Inc.'s latest changes will cement my legacy for eternity as the greatest female CEO in the universe of all time.

This past week, conversion rates on fell to around 20%, a 50% decrease over the average. Mainstream news outlets have picked up on the plight of my drones in articles on their websites (like Listing volume has decreased a bit m/m and w/w, and is way down y/y. Blogs are calling for cyber-terrorism against eBay Inc. during the week of the 18th. eBay related online forums are abuzz with rantings and ravings of unhappy sellers. YouTube has dozens of boycott videos, and many others with various rants about eBay and the evils of Paypal. Financial analysts have lowered their targets and many have issued "sell" ratings on eBay Inc. stock.

Diary, I am here to say that I am in control and in command, and that eBay will dessimate our enemies and render the naysayers mute.

On February 18th a boycott will commence. Those sellers participating in the boycott will be those sellers who do not rely on eBay 100% for their income, or rely on eBay to maintain their comfort level in life. They are the disposable sellers. Those dumbasses at PESA, who we have in our back pocket, have not endorsed the strike, and nearly all of the PESA members will continue with business as usual. As will the housewives who need extra money for diapers and baby formula, and the single mothers selling already-second-hand-items to pay for heat. The current recession will assure that even fewer sellers participate in the boycott. And we expect those sellers who are not participating in the boycott to more than fill the void left by the absent listings of those who chose to leave.

It's all an exercise in social engineering.

When the dust settles, we will have a loyal customer base of sellers and a new system in place to assure that new sellers will be in line with the eBay principles, or they will quickly find themselves NARU'd. The new feedback policy will give the appearance that eBay is a friendly place to trade. The 21 day holds on some Paypal payments will result in tens of millions of dollars of interest for that will not have to be passed on to the sellers, since Paypal is not subject to normal accounting and banking laws in the US. Our research tells us that the loyal sellers that remain during the strike will actually increase eBay revenue by increasing their listing volume - given the lowered insertion fees, free gallery photos and initial decreased competition. (Our research also shows that those idiots don't seem to realize that eBay sell-through rates are only 20-40%).

And then there's the carrot. Sellers will have to maintain a 4.6 rating or above in all DSR categories to receive Powerseller status and the accompanying 15% FVF discount. For most of my drones, this will prove impossible. Tilting at windmills comes to mind.....more like tilting at skyscrapers! In order to obtain those DSR numbers and for their items to appear at the top of our new Best Match search, sellers will have to invest so much time and energy into customer service that a heavy burden will be lifted off of eBay's shoulders, and the customer service they provide will have to be at a level so high that buying on eBay will become a more favorable option for shoppers.

Basically the chaff is sorted out, and what remains will be a legion of high quality sellers that will in effect do the jobs that eBay Inc. should be doing (in addition to listing, selling and shipping products). A perfect, perfect plan.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

eBay Inc. CEO Meg Whitman: "Go Ahead, Boycott eBay, I Dare You"

Dear Diary,
It seems that our predictions as to the effect of the recently announced policy and fee amendments were right on target. There has been a lot of whining and bauling from sellers, just as expected. My poor little drones are in a tizzy. The media reaction has been right in line with our projections as well. Ina Steiner at is being a real doll, posting passive-aggressive blog articles as expected and allowing the angry drones to vent. According to our numbers, we are on track to have in excess of 90% of the dissenters back in the fold by the time the new policies take effect on the 20th. Originally we had projected that 65% would basically have shut up by then and that would lose roughly 1,000 sellers with more than 750,000 products (mostly in SIF) during the three week period leading up to the changes, with another 1,000 sellers with approx. 300,000 listings leaving in the three months after the policy change. But, I'm giddy as a second year graduate level co-ed writing her thesis, because those numbers seem to have been way high. Two days after the announcement we are now projecting a net gain in sellers by around 2,000, who will add an addition 9,000,000 products over the next twelve months.

Yes, my dear Diary, there have been talks of boycotts. Those pathetic drones of mine are whining up a storm in every forum that they can. Their angry posts often make little sense and amount to nothing more than the ramblings of a jilted lover drunkenly screeching his troubles to a room full of jaded past-their-prime blue collar nobodies in a honky-tonk bar on the outskirts of Redneckville, USA. So, to my drones I say "Go ahead, boycott eBay, I dare you! I fucking double-dog dare you."

I have my drones in check, right where they have always been. Those dumclucks don't have intellectual capacity to make it on the outside. They are simply not smart enough to be successful in any other venue than Those that do leave will come crawling back very quickly, with their tails between their legs and with a new respect for the service provided by eBay Inc.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

eBay Inc. CEO Meg Whitman on eBay's New Policies

Dear Diary,
Well, so far, so good. My plan is working and the news media has jumped all over the big fee "decrease" that we just announced at eBay Inc. today. People are so easy to manipulate. If anyone actually took the time to read the new fee structure, they would see that it is actually a huge fee INCREASE. Ha ha! Hell, the only sellers who will save money under this new structure are the ones that have items that don't sell. This is what it's all about!

Man I'm psyched! I feel like a rookie CEO again. Putting the screws to the sellers and diverting the media's attention away from the real problems with a dog and pony show that is nothing more than smoke and mirrors - albeit the plumes of smoke do look like dogs and ponies.

One issue that I do need to address today though...Ina Steiner. I've had my fill of her, but her following is too large to simply give her a nap with the fishies - besides, someone at eBay would be the obvious first choice as a suspect. Today she had the nerve of actually publishing an example of how the new fee decrease is actually an increase. And if that wasn't bad enough, her blog article about eBay's new feedback policy is getting rapid fire comments from angry eBay sellers.

Now Diary, here's why I'm psyched (as if you didn't know me well enough to already know)... This is all just part of the plan. I was fully aware that some sellers would realize that this is a whole lot of PR spin and would see that the decrease in fees is actually going to cost them more money. I knew that - that was the plan. For every one seller who is smart enough to see that this will decrease their profits, there are another 19 sellers who will flood the site with listings - thinking "woopee, look at me, I'm so smart, look how much money I'm saving, I'ma gonna buy me a new used car and some baby formula with all the money I'm gonna make sellin' used stuff on ebay."

Then, during the summer when the only things keeping eBay's growth moving forward are Paypal, Stubhub, and ad revenue...we'll announce a major fee increase, citing that the fee "decrease" didn't work well enough. Of course by that point we will have bought back $2 billion worth of eBay stock (probably at under $20 per share by then), Wall Street will be glad to see that we're getting back to the basics of gouging our sellers (ie. making assured huge profits and growth) and the stock will soar. In the end I'll be even richer and I'll leave eBay Inc. on a high note - my legacy will be cemented in history - I will leave as the most successful woman CEO....ever.

OK, now to deal with Ina....

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I am Meg Whitman, I am Still CEO of eBay Inc.

Dear Diary,
Well, this is it diary. My tenure is coming to an end. It's liberating to know that I'm entering a new phase of life, and that I will leave destruction in my wake. It's getting down to the wire with the SEC investigation and the growing number of lawsuits. I'm sure I'm going to be called to testify at some point, but by that time I'll be sitting pretty in my new position and I can always claim ignorance. Shit, I'm a woman. A jury will never put a woman CEO in prison.

The board is having me wrap things up this week. It's going to be a bit chaotic with the fee decrease and earnings report, but the timing of the spin is just as crucial as the spin itself. I've been told to put on an upbeat and strong face during the transition. The board is concerned about Wall Street and how the investors will view my departure. Like so much of society, the board is made up of dimwitted fools.

The board shouldn't worry about Wall Street, it's the sellers they need to worry about.

Oh yes, it is the drones that would worry me. Sure they hate me, it's popular and easy to hate the Queen, but they loathe Donahue even more. And those who don't know that he is a male clone of myself...oh, they will learn. There is nothing so demoralizing to a people as having a new leader replace the old, only to learn that the new leader has the same goals, motives and direction. At first, my mindless drones will rejoice....just watch. Then little by little they will become aware.

God I'm glad I'm able to cash in all my stock before leaving.

Friday, January 18, 2008

I Feel So Dirty

Dear Diary,
It's getting late and I can't sleep. Griffith is still downstairs. He should be up shortly (very shortly) as I just heard the faint introduction of the Girls Gone Wild commercial come on the TV downstairs.

So anyway, I just need to talk to my old friend, my Diary. I feel so dirty. I feel like I'm a piece of trash. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I just do. I feel like a middle class eBay seller...and it makes me feel like I'm on the verge of vomiting.

I've seen my shares drop over $6 each over the past three weeks. I've seen the value of my home cut in half. I've seen the value of my dude ranch crushed. And now there aren't just fears of a recession, it is really here. I had hoped that Mitt would be able to reverse any economic downtown once he was inaugurated, but hey, let's face it....Mitt has about as much chance of being the President as I've got winning the Miss America Pageant. Please don't tell him that I said isn't that I care so much what he thinks, it's more about the millions of dollars I've wasted on him. What a mistake that was.

Oh! How I just want to drown my sorrow in a bottle of vodka, or at least a mixed drink in a plastic cup with some Camels on the know, like my little peon eBay sellers do.

Speaking of those fucking week I'll unleash the new fee structure on those turds. It's quite sad and pathetic that I've given them all the tools they need to climb out of their pits of economic despair, but they continue to wallow in their own filth and whine about fraud and technical glitches on the site. The news of the new fee structure and our "reinvigorated efforts at spurring growth" should blind the shitheads on Wall Street a bit and push the stock price back up...long enough for me to unload a few more million dollars worth of options anyway.

If not, I don't know what I'll do. I feel so sad. I'm half the woman I was a year ago. These damn hot flashes are getting far more than annoying and I've lost virtual millions in just the past week. And to make matters worse, that bitch Ina Steiner at is unrelenting. Now the idiot eBay sellers are asking her to set up a log of all the eBay glitches so that eBayers can see current issues with my code. That asshole at tried that for awhile and lost interest - I heard he got tired of the constant emails and updating his glitch page. So anyway, if Ina thinks she's going to get a handshake and a smile from me at this year's Live, she can just suck it. My lawyers are in the process of bringing suit against her for copyright infringement. They'd better hurry up and get their shit together, because I'm tired of her publishing the truth about eBay Inc.

Ooop, I gotta go. I just heard Griffith turn off the Girls Gone Wild commercial. I gotta get to bed and pretend that everything is going to be alright and try to get some sleep. It's the weekend and I'm going to try to enjoy it.....I've only got a few more days until I have to put on my happy-face and do our earnings call. Oh the horror.