Hi God. It's me, Margaret. I know it's been awhile since we've talked, but after all, I'm the most powerful female CEO on the planet - what could I possibly need you for? I've got everything I could ever want, fancy denim shirts, a great family, a career that exceeds my merits, and hair to die for. Even with all of that, I've still got a problem that I was hoping you could help me with. No, it's not another request to make sure Mitt wins the Presidency, because I'm sure that is your will. No, my problem is much worse - I'm hearing things.
It's only a problem when I'm on the phone at work, but it is troubling nonetheless. You see, when I'm talking on the phone in my office or making a conference call, I hear this deep breathing in the receiver. It first happened a couple of months ago during a phone call with Griff. Griff was going on about how much he loves eBay and telling me how his beard was doing, and everytime he paused, in that moment of silence I would hear this deep breathing. Low and raspy, even sounding almost like a moan at times. At first I thought it was just Griff. Ever since that day in 2003 when he said he liked my khaki slacks, well, let's just say I think he has a thing for me.
So anyway, lately it's been getting worse. One day last week the breathing got so loud during a conversation with Rob Chestnut about his conduct that I had to ask Rob if he heard the breathing too. He said he didn't, but I heard muffled laughter. I'm worried that my job performance is suffering because of this specter in my phone receiver. I'm already getting flack about paying a couple billion dollars too much for that piece of shit company, Skype, I just don't need this to add to my anxiety level. Ever since I started hearing the breathing, it seems that a lot of our plans at eBay have backfired - especially those dealing with security.
I've never doubted myself, and I'm not going to start now. I was just wondering, is that you God, on my phone?
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