Whiny eBay Inc. Employees Bitching About Their Stock Options Again

Dear Diary,
It's early in the day here at eBay HQ, and each time I pass a group of employees here in the home office, I keep hearing murmurs about how much money they've lost today. Don't these imbeciles know that they don't actually lose any money until they sell their options? I just want to tell them to stop bitching, that I've lost more than the bunch of them combined.

I don't want to go on a rant to you about this right now. I know it's mostly my hormones. I've been having hot flashes more frequently, and it's contributing to my bitter mood, so I'll try not to be too abrasive. After all, Diary, you might be my one true friend.

To make matters worse, I was feeling ill last night and went to bed early. I woke up around 11:45 and noticed Griffith was not in bed. I went downstairs and the den was dark, but I could see the glow of the TV as I approached. When I turned the corner I found my husband, uh, pleasuring himself while watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial.

Sigh - I guess I shouldn't let it bother me, but he said it was because I haven't been around much lately, what with Mitt's campaign and all. I know that masturbation is natural and OK, but I couldn't help but thinking that those young co-eds look a lot like the girls at Hooters.


P.S. That shithead Griff just popped his head in and asked if I had seen that Amazon.com had more hits in December than eBay. I think I'm going to cry. God I hope everybody votes for Mitt so I can cash in all my options and get the hell out of San Jose.

Scott Wingo, Ina Steiner, Griff & Cappnonymous Must Die?

Dear Diary,
Yesterday morning that pimple of a troll, Griff, came into my office just as I got to work (how he can get his pasty fat body out of bed so early is beyond me). Griff was all atwitter about some some "rumors" that had spread virtually overnight about eBay being acquired by Yahoo! and about how Scott Wingo had let the cat out of the bag....but reassured me that it wasn't him that spilled the beans (his words, not mine). Griff also, with the giddiness of the third grade class tattletale, pushed in front of me while I was trying to enjoy my $11.00 coffee, and logged onto YouTube to show me the latest Cappnonymous video. After he pushed play, he stepped back and proceeded to provide commentary throughout the entire poorly produced video.

"oooh, oooh, loooky Meg," he spouted, spewing spittle all over my 25 inch monitor, "ooooh, look, he took your quotes out of context."

"Oh, and now he's likening you to a pig......your teeth don't look like that.....ooh, and here, here he's trying to imply that you are Hitler," Griff continued this through the whole video.

To add to my annoyance - I could see no other reason for it, Griff knows that I hate it when he acts like a nancy-boy with a beard, tattling on his peers or anyone for that matter - Griff showed me several instances on Auctionbytes.com where it appears that bitch Ina Steiner thinks she's getting a bit big for her britches. Our staff had an agreement with Ina, and it was simple - put a positive spin on all things eBay and we'll give you access to our spokespeople and first dibs on eBay news. Now I see she's begun printing blog editorials questioning managerial moves, and I see the hoards of "ex-bayers" are all swarming, leaving their own horror stories in the comments sections. Ina was supposed to keep this under control!!!

And Diary, you don't even want me to get started on that little puke Scott Wingo. Who the fuck does he think he is anyway? Just because he has some lame internet company doesn't give him the right to reveal eBay Inc. company secrets! After all I've done for him and the access I've given, I'm not the least bit happy about this little stunt of reporting our deal with Yahoo! It is now bound to fall through. Once investors hear about it, Yahoo! stock will take a beating and investor sentiment will turn sour.

So what to do? I've got four problems to deal with today...Cappnonymous the renegade and highly prolific video blogger, Scott Wingo the conniving scum leak bastard, Ina Steiner the new anti-eBay blogger who built her business on eBay's back, and Griff the six year old stuck in the body of a fat middle aged virgin. I will start by contacting YouTube and having them pull some more of Mr. Cappnonymous' videos down for unknown reasons. Then I'll make a phone call to Mr. Wingo, and have a little discussion about his leaky mouth. Then a call to Mrs. Steiner who will surely change her tune once she is threatened with a lawsuit for copyright infringement for pasting screenshots of eBay.com all over her site. Then I'll pull Griff aside by his earlobe and suggest he take his eBay-sabbatical....and never return.

Then all that is left is to deny the Yahoo! takeover until the deal is complete. Viola!

Thank God

Dear Diary,
I had to take a break this morning and thank God that I sold those options when I did. When I walked past Bill's office, I saw him kneeling in the corner with his hands clasped in prayer - thanking God too.

Now the praying starts. I just don't know what's going to happen when those Q1 numbers are released. Investors aren't going to be happy. And GS tells me they are getting near the end of their rope with me. They said if I don't shape this company up soon, they won't be able to help me anymore.

I think I'll take a sabbatical.

eBay Inc. What the Fuck, What the Fuck, What the Fuck!!!??!?!?!?!?

I would simply sigh if I were an outsider looking in to the horror show that eBay has become.

I would shrug my shoulders, wondering where it all went wrong.

I would guess at the causation for the decline in value, and the reasons why the stock can't move.

I would read the news, the reports, the analysts ramblings (those clueless motherfuckers!!!! cunts and bastards, god damn them all to the fiery pits of fucking hell where they all belong!)...

...as I sip my coffee, and check the rest of the day's news.

I would wonder - as an outsider - why the share have declined almost ten points in a matter of weeks.

I would wonder - as an SEC investigator - "Is this the next Enron?"

I would pay my bill like a good little drone.

I would list more items like a good little drone.

I would sell less items......like a good little drone - with lower ASP's....

....like a good fucking fucker little drone (mother fucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

I would see the turmoil the sub-prime lending market has caused!

I would sure-as-fuck notice the fucking increase in the fucking gas prices!!!

I would see the increase, and see the god damn bills on my desk --------

-----and I WOULD LIST MORE FUCKING ITEMS ON EBAY!!!!!!!!!

I would sell my belongings

I would sell my kidneys

I would sell my children

I would sell my god-forsaken-self-hating-mutilated-by-inbreeding-and-self-deprecation soul

I would sell my fake Tiffany lamp

I would run a fishing scam

(Vladuz, if you're out there, I want you, I want you more than I can express in my moment of clarity and openness, I want you inside of me, I want you to take me, release me and break me, hurt me and scar me - you know my email, use it, I need it)

I would sell my everything

I would sell it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sell it all fucking all!!!!

I would click refresh...........praying for a bid.

I would click refresh again...........where are the fucking bids?

STOP

What the hell is happening?

I can't be this naive

this insecure

this sore

this hopeless

this lonesome

this pathetic

this
this
this

ENOUGH

I'm not a fucking drone

I'm not a fucking worker bee

I AM THE QUEEN!!!!

Must regroup!

Must reconnect!!

Repeat to self "I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

"I've just made $60 million dollars in less than two weeks."

....

....sigh

....

....ahhhh, now I feel better

That's right cock-sucking-motherfuckers!!!

Screw you ALL!

Dividends?

Aha, ha ha, LOL, Kekekekeke!

Checkmate sellers

Checkmate buyers

Checkmate stock holders

Checkmate mother fuckers!

I'm filthy rich.

So what? I filed to sell more shares at the end of December?

So what? I filed to sell more share at the beginning of January?

So fucking what?

So what if the stock tanks to $12 per share?

Who cares?

not me i already have $250,000,000 in the bank thanks to the clueless empty headed drones that list items on MY site and thanks to the greedy bastards on wall street that pump and dump MY stock on a daily basis those lousy wastes of organic material those fucking day traders those parasites

I'm wasted

I don't care anymore

I don't give a SHIT

a flying SHIT

DO YOU HEAR ME????

I d o n ' t c a r e




Diary,
I'm truly sorry you had to view this outburst, I really am. I apologize and hope you won't hold it against me (and I hope you won't tell Mitt about my foul language). I've got a bottle of vodka tucked back in the back of the cabinet and a pack of cigarettes I confiscated from the kid a few years back...I'm going to drink a little, smoke a little and remember....

whatever happens, who give a flying fuck? I've already made my millions. I'm set for life.

Fuck the rest of you!

Fuck you

In Search of the 4-Hour Workweek at eBay Inc.

This weekend I took some "me" time and read Timothy Ferriss's bestseller, "The 4-Hour Workweek." Truthfully, I wasn't looking for answers or direction, but the buzz about the book was what made me buy it. To think that the CEO of eBay Inc. could actually pull off a four hour week is ludicrous - I have more than four hours a week alone wrapped up in reading and answering whiny emails from Bill Cobb. For some reason he doesn't share the executive vision, or maybe his vision is clouded by the residual former company goal of having the World's Largest Online Marketplace. I keep telling him we're in the telecom / finance / social networking business now....but I digress.

To my surprise, "The 4-Hour Workweek" actually did give me some inspiration, inspiration that I haven't felt (or frankly needed to feel, since becoming CEO of eBay Inc.) for a long time. As I read it ideas blossomed in my head like fireworks on an overcast midnight - I'll be implementing many of these idea during this quarter. That's right, the ideas are so profound and revolutionary that they will immediately impact the metrics of my entire corporation.

1. Cut all staff down to three days per week (21 hours of paid time):
The eBay mega-infrastructure is already in place. Why do we need to have 15,000 employees working full bore? Answer: we don't. We've recently updated the search functions and added lots of new do-dads and thingamabobs that should make the act of buying something online much more fun for many of the empty headed online consumers. We can go for awhile without innovation. Besides, realistically, none of our enhancements have ever mattered one shit. People use eBay to buy things and sell things. Even those with the emptiest heads view eBay as nothing more than an online flea market. Short of stabbing each brainless dolt in the head with a syringe and injecting gray matter to fill the void that their Creator so cruelly left, there is not much we can do.

2. Outsource Everything to a Computer:
Live Help is already contracted out. I'll be buying their contract out and replacing Live Help reps with a program a former engineer created called Robo-Help (but we'll keep the Live Help name, of course). Robo-Help is a computer program that generates canned responses in real time. The engineer who created it sold me on the idea when he had me try it out. He didn't tell me that I was chatting with a computer. I chatted with Robo-Help for twenty minutes, asking all sorts of questions about glitches that I'd noticed on eBay the last time I bought some slacks. I thought the engineer was plugging an exceptional employee's work habits, because the rep on the other end of Robo-Help seemed very personable and more knowledgeable than any of those worker bees in customer service. When he finally told me it was all automated, I was 100% sold. That douchebag Pierre had some objections and whined so much that I had to shelve the idea - until now. It's go time baby.

Same goes with customer service emails. In the next few weeks, all emails will be responded to via computer canned responses. eBay has over 2 million canned responses at its disposal for CS emails and Robo-Help use. And for my little drones who have made Silver Powerseller status or above, we'll still have the phone support available, but needless to say, their wait-times will be much longer. Those who haven't already given up on getting their rep on the phone will do so eventually. Waiting on hold a few times for three hours will make them see what a waste of time relying on help from others really is.

3. Unleash the Gestapo:
The Auction Guild recently had an article about using the power of the eBay Gestapo to squash fraud out of existence on the site. Their plan was for eBay to pay whistle-blowers and fraud spotters. TAG also noted that their idea was copyrighted and that they would entertain offers from me to use their idea. That's right, those morons actually want me to pay them for their idea. Shit guys, this is eBay. We don't pay for ideas, we just take them, and then if we are sued, we crush the rights holder in court under the immense weight of our godlike power. That said, TAG is welcome to sign up as a developer and actually pay us to use the idea. Don't laugh, there are thousands of developers who actually do pay eBay to give us ideas and enhancements. Damn, do we have a good business model or what?

Anyway, we'll use eBay's super-secret Auschwitz Program (Anti-User Scam Cooperative Hierarchy With ID Tagging Zoftware) to allow current eBay users to report individual auctions and users for deletion. Any auction reported by the Gestapo more than twice via the Report This Item link for any violation will automatically be deleted from eBay servers by the Auschwitz Program. Any user that has more than two auctions deleted for any policy abuse will be terminated by the Auschwitz Program - permanently. We've already gotten rid of the bottom 1% of sellers, Auschwitz Program will help us weed out even more criminal, fraudsters, scammers and phishers. Oh, and I will be taking the free advice I gathered by ready the TAG website and will be paying the Gestapo with FREE SELLER INSERTION FEES (when listing products in the lowest fee tranche, using gallery and no reserve - insertion fee will be refunded in two separate billing cycles starting with the billing cycle that falls two months after the item was listed).

4. More Sabbaticals:
I made a point out of making an example of that turd Rob Chestnut. I'll further establish my power by issuing more "sabbaticals" to other high ranking executives and managers. Sure, eBay will have to pay their salary for six months, but when they return, they will be demoted or let go. In the long run it will save millions. And in the end, I'll decrease my workload by not having to respond to dozens of pathetic emails each day from those managers who will be selectively chosen for some "personal time." I love my job.

I am Woman, Hear Me Roar!

Dear diary, I'm king of the fucking world!!

That's right, KING! I don't feel like a queen, who is under the reign of any man, not after the week I've just had. I feel more than kingly, I feel godly.

Anytime I cash in $20 million dollars worth of stock options, it's going to be a good week. My son suggested that I get it all changed into ones and roll around in it like Eric Cartman did on South Park with Kyle's twenty dollar bill. I gave him a half-hearted but stern lecture on the value of money, but then I secretly took his advice with one million of it. Let me tell you, there's nothing like the feeling of rolling around in a pile of one million brand new one dollar bills! It's sort of like playing in the leaves as a child in the fall - except they aren't dirty or itchy. Oh, and I got to think about the thousands upon thousands of hours my drones had to work in order for me to accumulate that million dollars. Sweet.

And if selling $20,000,000 worth of eBay Inc. stock wasn't enough, I find out yesterday that our legal team won our lawsuit against www.perfumebay.com. Honestly, I can't believe it. We tried to pay the judge off, but he refused. Said something about his ethics, blah, blah, blah. The best part isn't that we won the suit, it's the fact that my company has unadulterated power to do anything we wish! Heck, we're still using stolen MercExchange Buy It Now technology code in all of our fixed price auctions! Stolen! Willfully, blatantly and knowingly ripped off code. And yet, we were able to get a judge to say that a company cannot put two words together in a URL if they contain the word eBay anywhere in the title. Ha ha! Watch out www.pheebay.com, you're next!

And how about my good little drones catching the QVC bandit? Wonderful! Sure we'll miss out on some listing fees from that scammer, but otherwise it's free PR. Those anonymous drones who helped catch the scammer are nobodies, and eBay gets all of the attention! And you know diary, the ironic part is that the QVC bandit used a loophole on the QVC site that allowed her to immediately cancel orders and still have the items shipped for free. Ironic because Paypal has the SAME exact glitch. Anyone who pays for a BIN item on eBay via Paypal with an echeck and then immediately cancels the Paypal payment stands a very good chance of getting the item for free because it still shows as paid on the seller's account. Note to self - check with the engineers to see if they've fixed this loophole in Paypal yet. We had YouTube pull the Cappnonymous video describing in detail how to take advantage of this Paypal loophole months ago, they'd better have it fixed or they will feel my wrath!

What a great week! The only negative aspect was that those little bitches on Wall Street let the price fall, costing me $4 million. But oh well, that ought to keep the SEC off my back for awhile longer. And besides, with our PR campaign and stock buyback, the stock price should be through the roof for my next round of option exercises at the end of December.

Kidnap Santa and Listen to the Drones Whine

Here we go again. Since news of eBay Australia's holiday advertising promotion, named "Kidnap Santa," has leaked, I've been hearing all sorts of talk that the drones are grumbling. Apparently some of my drones think that eBay Inc. is being insensitive toward kidnap victims. Others seem to think that exploiting a fictional North Pole Gnome is in bad taste. I've even heard from Legal that there has been chatter about a lawsuit if the Kidnap Santa campaign happens to scar any small children psychologically - something about Juvenile Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But the most irritating of all grumbling is coming from long-time career sellers who feel that the campaign cheapens their products and makes eBay seem like a bargain basement.

God knows I'm growing weary of the constant whining being done by less-than-loyal drones. If I (or anyone else in management) at eBay makes a decision, implements a change or rolls out an enhancement - the whining begins. First they whine because eBay isn't advertising enough, so we increase our advertising budget and spread our marketing dollars wider and include more avenues. Then they complain because the commercials are stupid. Meanwhile, many have started stand-alone ecommerce sites or are experimenting with online malls like ecrater. Argh, ecrater - but that's a blog for another day. So anyway, I'm really thinking of instituting another round of fee hikes, not because of anything to do with revenue, but rather just to spite some of the sniveling masses of drones who think they are entitled to something just because they sell on eBay.com.

I'm thinking a nice big increase across the bottom three tranches ought to do the trick. We've already begun expelling the worst performing drones from the eBay community, and it's working like a charm. Of course, now that the bottom 1% of the poorest drones have been banished, there is still another group that has now filled that bottom 1%. If we could banish these drones as well, I'm told that a lot of the grumbling would leave with them. The problem that management and I now face is that another round of expulsions so quickly on the heels of the first, might result in even more grumbling. So, we haven't raised fees in awhile - heck, it's almost expected that we are going to sometime soon anyway, so I think I'll raise those bottom three tranches' fees quite significantly. I'll have Cobb smooth over the fee increase with talk of more frequent listing specials like we've already been feeding the brainless drones. That will turn their frowns into smiles on the fronts of their empty heads. Meanwhile, the drones at the very bottom, the ones that will be most affected by the fee increase will simply evacuate eBay, but not after a massive round or two of listing millions of items before the fee increase goes into effect.

Fee increase. Tens of millions of additional listings from those about to leave the site. The holiday shopping season. Maybe a listing promo or two thrown in. Ah, yes, I think I'm going to make out very well when I exercise my options at the year's end.

Speaking of discontent drones, I have told PR to ramp up the Anti-Entitlement Team's activities, especially on the eBay Community Forums and other online discussion boards. Why these drones think that eBay Inc. owes them anything is beyond me. It's a service that they are paying for, why should they expect a hand in decision making. Why should they even be allowed to complain or speak out against decisions made by management at all? Sometimes I wonder if Red China and the Soviet Union were on the right track with censorship and laws against speaking out publicly about the government. I can tell you one thing though, if the grumbling continues after the fee increase, the "censorship" that the drones are whining about now will be nothing compared to the wrath I will unleash on them all. I will squash them and their negative talk about eBay once and for all, and rid the site of anyone who dares to question my judgement....once and for all.